Friday, September 15, 2006

Today.. is my birthday..

First, i have smth to write.. but there are some terms you shld understand.

Parameter - taking of bld pressure, pulse, temp, respiration

Last Office - cleaning of dead bodies

Today, i went over to the front cubicles, i overheard some ppl saying that a Malay ah ma couldnt make it and going to pass away. We were unsure as the curtains were pulled.

Inside, the doctors and nurses did ECG, test oxygen levels, CPR.. everything looked so alert and rush. there was no time to lose.

By the time i came, i saw many of her relatives crying.. and i pushed open the curtains and went in.

There was an ITE girl with me.

I looked at the Ah ma.. she looks like she was sleeping. She was wearing a venturi mask with the highest conc of oxygen 15L.

I said that she was still alive coz i saw there were movements on her chest. But the ITE girl, Michelle, told me that she have passed away.

After that, Michelle went away. I feet was frozen.

I dun know this patient. I dont know her name, her anything.

But i cried.

I cried not because I am upset.

I cried because I witness death. I was traumatised.

Becoz my conception of death is totally different from wat i saw.

Somehow, death is not scary. its really as if the person have gone into a deep sleep.

Her parameters are all normal just before that.

Things can really happen so unexpectedly.

Actually, one of my greatest fear in nursing is seeing dead bodies.

But, when I actually faced one today, it made me wonder abt her past.

I wonder if she die in peace or was still struggling.

Michelle saw me crying.. so she asked me to go to the staff lounge to rest. She came in later. And not long after, i decided to go back. i want to see how the last office was performed.

But, in the end, i stood outside the closed curtains. I was shivering. I did not dare to go in.

Jeffrery saw me. He asked wat happened. He asked if i was ok. We talked for a while, then sister walked past. That time, i was feeling really giddy, as though i can just collapse.

I think he told sister that i was afraid, so sister asked me to follow her. She brought me to the resident lounge. She councelled me abit.

I was feeling much better.

Then, i went down for break.. Adeline saw me. Her first question was, " are you ok? why you look so blur?"

I am ok.. i dun know why i am like that.. i dunno why i cry and all that.

Well.. Think this is the hospital's present to me.. =/

I heard another pt at bed 47 also cant make it le..

Dun be surprised. These are wat happen in the hospital.

Death is not scary. It is an ending. I hope i will have a good ending, an ending with no regrets. =)

ok, now must leave house to meet Teck they all le.

4:40 PM;;
♥ find your instrument~ ♥